Category: Struggle & Control

What I Can See – What I Can’t See

~ William Turner ~ Leave a comment

SUMMARY: The last few days I have been working on my telescope. My mind began to wander as I thought about views it offers versus views beyond its ability.

 

[ VISION ] -RARE GIFTS, CHANGE, & MORE: More times than I care to confess, I have longed to return to the only place I have ever called “home”. You will find me here in Rotonda West, FL of my own free will and choices. My love for Heather will always remain stronger than the Siren’s Song calling out to me. My home, my heart, my love are right here in front of me. Though their song attempts to deceive me and pull me into a world no longer my own, I am already home. My life will not be drawn into deadly waters by a deceptive song. 

Yet, there is a very distinct difference between missing those I love and the disturbing thoughts made to pull my mind apart. 

Today, my first message was sent to my son. He remains in my prayers, my thoughts, my heart, and my longing to see him and his wife, again. Distance and difference has created a rift in our communication and our convening within space and time. 

The remaining part of this article is dedicated to my daughter and the relationship between her and a telescope. 

Essentially, by the laws of physics and the speed of light, I can see into the past, much like a time machine, with my telescope. It permits firsthand views of our solar system and into our galaxy. I’ve seen spectacular views of our moon; a heavenly body 238,900 miles away from the backyard. I gazed deep into craters that are mere circles to the unaided eye. I’ve gazed upon a red giant star with a pair of bright white companions beyond the vision of any human. 

Almost two years ago, Heather blessed me with the telescope that I speak of and I offer her my gratitude each time I point it towards the stars. Heather’s gift offers me views of God’s creation millions of miles from where I stand. Words cannot express how fortunate I am for this gift. The phone calls to Heather, made from our backyard to the bedroom just beyond the wall in front of me, would provide that opportunity to hear those feelings. Of the billions of people in this world, I am amongst the few who possess the firsthand knowledge of what lies beyond the first star to the left.

Here, I become a person unworthy of the blessings I receive. Where I am engulfed by greed and envy for what I don’t possess. I can peer deep into our night sky to see God’s majestic creation on display for “me”. By the combination of lens and position the gift sitting in front of me can reach out light years into the Milky Way galaxy.

However, this magnificent instrument forever lacks the capacity to show me a world less than 700 miles away from where I stand. A world where my loved ones continue their lives celebrating  birthdays, graduations, the birth of grandchildren…all the while…beyond my vision. 

The image I chose for this article is offered to my daughter as a gift for her birthday. Through God’s Time Machine, I retrieved an image of a beautiful girl who need only look up to find me. 

Testimony -Absent But Not Lost

~ William Turner ~ Leave a comment

SUMMARY: My friend lost his mother to cancer last week. Once again, my initial inability to offer him and his family support turned into another “book”.

 

[ LOVED ONES ] -FAITH, MEMORIES, & PROMISES: When we last spoke, he was in a somewhat manic state as he addressed his mother’s last wishes.

The one item that he made perfectly clear was the fact that all were at peace.

My friend and his siblings were by her side when she left this world and her pain behind. She now rests with Jesus. Her faith and life of service in His name are testimony to this fact. No matter the beliefs my friend and his siblings may hold, I believe they know this Truth just as well.

In the days to come, I pray they maintain their faith in the knowledge she is finally free from the pain and suffering of this world. I pray the faith their mother kept, that provided her strength, courage and the promise of eternal peace, remains alive and strong in each of their memories.

In the days to come, may they also find peace in the beliefs their father maintains. As this world takes its toll upon his mind and body, in time, he too shall come to know the eternal peace in the promise of his faith.

This world in which we live is not our home.

The beauty of God’s creation can be seen in this world if you choose to look for it. Yet, the majesty of His creation pales in comparison to the home that awaits those who would believe.

 

Medical Update -Troubleshooting

~ William Turner ~ Leave a comment

SUMMARY: For quite a while (as in several years), I’ve been experiencing some rather intense fatigue and weakness much like flu symptoms. This article outlines the efforts to isolate the culprit.

 

[ MEDICAL MYSTERY MACHINE ] -ONLY ME: On October 3rd, several blood tests were conducted to assess several routine functions of my body. These include common items such as Hemoglobin A1C (diabetes index), Complete Metabolic Panel (CMP), Complete Blood Count (CBC), Thyroid, Testosterone, PSA (screening for signs of prostate cancer), Tacrolimus (one of my primary transplant medications), and a few other items.

As the results began to show up, I jokingly wondered if my blood had been mixed up with someone else’s. The amount of “green” colors attached to the results was welcomed but not expected. My kidney and liver functions are great. My A1C is below the maximum level for a diagnosed diabetic patient. My thyroid and testosterone levels are within normal limits. With the exception of my cholesterol levels (not lifestyle issues), even those levels were unimpressive as sources of concern.

My Tacrolimus level was below the normal therapeutic range. However, my dosage has been adjusted and will be checked again in a few weeks. 

So, we come to the search for why I have been experiencing the fatigue and systemic inflammation issues. As my immune system is almost nonexistent, I’m susceptible to what are called “opportunistic infections”. Over 90% of the population are carriers of two viruses that can be associated with the fatigue symptoms. These are Cytomegalovirus (CMV) and Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV). As an active CMV infection could be lethal, I’m regularly screened for this virus. Both tests returned negative indications for active infections. Tests for vitamin B and vitamin D deficiency were also negative. My thyroid and testosterone levels are within normal levels. Essentially, without going deeper into the more obscure possibilities, nothing in the normal realm is poking its head up say, “Hey, it’s me!”, giving you a hard time. 

Before my December follow-up visit with my primary care physician (PCP), I will have more labs to delve into the more obscure possibilities. However, due to the incredible number of medications and diagnoses, isolation of a candidate is also an incredibly challenging task. That is until I entered my “Thought Tank”, otherwise known as the shower. And there, the day after my visit with my PCP, what should have been an obvious answer long ago made itself known once again. 

Years ago, the team at Vanderbilt started me on a drug called “Pravastatin”. It is used to help improve your cholesterol levels. Upon starting the medication, I experienced an immediate reaction…muscle weakness and fatigue. The reaction was documented and my tolerated dose reduced to 10mg daily. 

Several years later and a new transplant center (Tampa General Hospital), I was again prescribed Pravastatin for cholesterol control at a dosage of 40mg daily. Yeah, that’s four times the dosage I could tolerate without becoming symptomatic. The history with this medication had become a faded memory by this time. Now, nearly six years later…as I search in vain for the cause of my extreme fatigue issues…I finally remembered why that drug has never been my friend. 

After consulting with my PCP and sharing my previous experiences with this meditation, I have discontinued taking it for about three to four weeks. This will give my body (and liver) enough time for complete clearance. If my symptoms begin to dissipate, then I’ve established the first part of a proven cause of my symptoms. To completely eliminate the drug and its association with the fatigue symptoms, I will have to take the medication for a short period to see if the symptoms return. As many factors are constantly in play, this is the best way of identifying or isolating the culprit from the incredible number of possibilities.

As I approach the end of the first week without the Pravastatin, I continue praying the symptoms decline and that I have finally found a simple solution to a truly shitty situation.

My friends in the medical community are already aware of this common problem associated with “statins” or cholesterol drugs. I’m incapable of explaining why I’m just now remembering the history and reaction to this drug. Maybe the sheer number of medications in my personal pharmacy blinded my comprehension. Time, age, memory recall and mental stress are also contributing factors to consider amongst the possibilities. 

For reasons requiring an article of exploration of its own, the state of my mind and mental health have been and continue along a path of diminishing capacity. The contributing factors exist primarily beyond my control creating a dangerous self-fueling mechanism of decline. 

Bootstrap’s Philosophy

~ William Turner ~ Leave a comment

SUMMARY: More philosophical pondering about life and the world in general.

 

[ OUR UNIVERSE ] -LIMITATIONS:  The circle. Existing eternally without a beginning or an end. Yet, in our world, impossible to create in true perfection.

The circle, extrapolated around a central axis becomes a sphere. Infinite distortion and disruptive forces applied from every direction; never existing in perfect harmony or peace.

Eternal. Perfect. Infinite. Harmony. Peaceful.

Apply the word “Love” or “Existence” to the five words above. Where would you look to find any of the combinations?

 

The Open Book Testimonials

~ William Turner ~ Leave a comment

[ PRAYERS ] -FATHERS: This post reaches deep into my heart and soul and opens the book to my inability “as a father” to help those I love the most.

Most of this article comes from an ongoing conversation with a trusted friend and fellow Christian brother. His name will not be disclosed. However, he remains one of the few “fathers” deserving of the title.

[ BROTHER ] -TRUST: ____, I’ve come to you before looking for guidance. I see in you a faithful father, husband, son of God, and follower of Jesus Christ our Savior. I ask for your thoughts on what follows.

[ STRUGGLES ] -FAITH: My daily prayer remains, “Thank You for another day; thank You for my wife, my children, my friends, all those I love; thank You for all blessings I’ve received but don’t deserve; please watch over and protect all those I love; Amen.”

It’s my hope you understand, my prayers are most often for those I love, not myself. Heather constantly prays for “me,” and I’m eternally grateful. Praying for myself remains a difficult task.

I’m not sure it’s easy for anyone to understand how I could live a “cup full” existence. If I am succeeding, it is through absolute humility, faith, and the Grace of God. If not for being humbled years ago, I question if my faith would exist today.

I won’t deny I stumble often, yet I try to maintain my life as above, “thankful for what I have, not what I want.”

    • I’m not a saint.
    • I admit to feeling my prayers go unheard.
    • I have to confess that I question the authenticity of my faith.
    • I question my faith because I can’t move a mountain.
    • I question my faith because I can’t move a grain of sand.
    • I question if my faith is worthy of being “that of a mustard seed.”
    • I’m not impervious to pain. I live in multiple states of pain.
      • Physically.
      • Psychologically.
      • Spiritually
    • Yet, pain defines me and maintains me, but in ways not expected.
    • My faith in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit exists and endures by pain. 

[ BURDENS ] -THE EASY YOKE: God has and continues to bless me richly. He does so of His own accord and through prayers. As many Christians or anyone might expect, my prayers are answered “Yes.” they are answered “No.” and remain “Unanswered.” I suspect I’m not alone.

Of my own burdens? I’ve never comprehended how to “lay my burdens at the feet of Jesus.”  I have never been able to “Let Go, Let God.”

How do I pray for “myself” and not feel greed or selfishness?

How do I pray for what I feel I “need” or worse “want” now while understanding both God’s plan and timing lacks any resemblence to our own? 

Through the eyes of God, do I “deserve” anything? Does my “I need” deserve fulfillment or even acknowlegement? No, they don’t. I’m all too familiar with God’s plans and timing, that the path I want to travel is not the one God (my Father) wishes for his child. A wise pastor once said, “God is not Santa Claus.” 

But those prayers, granted or not, will never overshadown the greatest blessing God has bestowed upon me. I’m still here, with my wife, my family, my friends, and all those I love. There are no words with sufficient power to describe it…I can’t even give “it” a name. 

[ PRAYERS ] -TO A FATHER FROM A FATHER: So, here is the one thing I pray for, that I “need.” The one thing I desire more than anything else in this world (as we’re not home yet). And it is indeed for “me”. And it elicits feelings of greed, guilt, and selfishness.  Yet, it originates from a father’s instincts and the protection he seeks to provide his family…his children.

What I pray for, or more correctly, who I pray for, are all my children (those alive now and yet to come). 

[ LOVE ] -SACRAFICE: Is it wrong to ask God to heal my daughter (and all of my children)? In doing so, lay all their pain and suffering upon me? To end a family curse with “me”. Never let another person know the pain of a genetic mutation that’s followed my family for generations.

I watch as my daughter, Lauren,  plants her feet in every footstep I left behind. I stand watching powerless as she succumbs to the same mutant genetic processes. I watch as a “father” lacking the ability to protect his family.

For nearly thirty years, I have prayed to be the last person to bear this curse.

At this moment, the answer to my prayers would appear to be “No”. However, incredibly more cruel on the surface, the answer isn’t a simple “No”. Both of my (adult) children have tested positive for the genetic mutation. The mutation rooted at the beginning of my life of health issues. Lauren is symptomatic. Drew, to the best of my knowledge shows no symptoms.

NEVER would I “blame” God for any pain and suffering this world offers us. And I’m well aware of the entity, his minions, and their desire to rip as many souls apart from God as possible in the time they have left. Though I may trip and fall, and do so many times, my faith will never be shaken loose. 

God has granted me what I call “unexpectedly growing old”. This blessing has allowed me to witness more milestones and memories than I ever expected. But yes, there is another side to “I’m still here”. It means I’m still on this planet and all the emotions a man can experience are tearing me apart.

The genetic mutation, killing my daughter, their father passed down to his children as their inheritance. It doesn’t matter how many times “anyone” tells me , “You didn’t know.”, the fact remains the same. My daughter suffers because of me. I suspecrt my son lives in fear because of me. I bear this guilt despite my complete logical understanding of the facts. IT DOESN’T MATTER! As their father, I failed to protect them and I am powerless against the enemy. My only hope rests in the hands of my God, my Father.

Lauren is nearing the point where my only chance of survival was a lung transplant. Medically, I’m a statistical anomaly as it relates to my survival with the lung transplant. “Statistical Anomaly” is the scientific name given to what I call the “Grace of God.” As such, I also recognize my continued survival as way outside of my own control. God can call me home anytime He wants…and that’s ok.

Yet, if we are to discuss “statistics”; I could witness Lauren’s demise. One of a parent’s worse nightmares, taughts me endlessly as I stand powerless. 

Lauren walks with God, as does her husband, Josh. I find peace in that knowledge. As for Drew and his wife, Kat, I can only sow the seeds I can’t change their hearts, minds, or beliefs. Yet I ask, what father has the capacity and fortitude to watch helplessly as his child suffers, knowing Christ as their Savior or not. None worthy of being called “father” is my answer.

Matthew 18:19-20 (NIV) 19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Therefore, this is the prayer I have asked of my Father. If you are compelled, I would ask you gather in His name with me

My Father,

I won’t pretend I’m strong enough to bear what I ask for, but I do so from the love of a father for his family.

I pray you allow me to carry the genetic curse inside me and my children (alive and to come) to my grave; that none shall know its sting and suffering. Allow me to be the last, the end.

In Christ’s name, I beg You to forgive the sins of my ancestors who brought this curse upon my family.
I pray You forgive me for being so bold to ask I no longer be powerless against my enemies.
I pray You forgive me for asking that I no longer be forced to stand and watch my beloved suffer.
I pray You hear me cry out to You, father to Father.

As our Father, You know the love one has for his children. You see the pain and suffering a father bears. You know the lengths a father will go to protect his family (wife, children, all those he loves ).

Your only begotten Son, was separated from You as a sacrifice for the sins of every soul who would believe. It is far beyond my comprehension the pain You endured as Father to Your Son and my savior, Jesus Christ.

Father, I come before You “of little faith.”  I come before You lacking “faith the size of a mustard seed” incapable of “moving mountains.”

Lord, all I have is FAITH, BELIEF, and TRUTH. You are my Maker. Jesus Christ, Your only begotten Son was nailed to a cross as a sacrifice for my sins. He died for the sins of every soul alive, dead, or to be who will have faith and believe.

Lord, I pray you would remove the curse festering inside all my family and children. Allow me to carry this curse alone unto its death; that it no longer exist and be powerless; and at Your call to Resurrection it shall only know death.

I know the Truth, You need only say the word and this would be done.

I know my life, my body, and my soul are not worth the water inside me.  

I am no more special than another man or father. Indeed, if I am like any, I am as many other fathers who have come before You praying for power to protect those they love; just as I come before You now.

Father, I am weak and broken inside, this You already know. Only through You shall I have the strength to overcome this enemy.


Lord, throughout my life, You have been the Father keeping watch over me. You have straightened the curves in the path when I’ve gone astray. You have blessed me beyond my understanding and imagination. This I know as Truth;

I shall remain forever grateful and faithful.

May my love as a father to his children be as Your love as our Father; for Your Son; for Your children.

May my life and faith be of sufficient value for that of my family and children.

Lord, I pray You hear my voice and find me worthy of your Grace. 

Lord, my faith is with You, always. Your will shall always be done. This I know as Truth. Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. My life, my heart, and my soul belong to You. Your will be done.

Amen.