[ PRAYERS ] -FATHERS: This post reaches deep into my heart and soul and opens the book to my inability “as a father” to help those I love the most.
Most of this article comes from an ongoing conversation with a trusted friend and fellow Christian brother. His name will not be disclosed. However, he remains one of the few “fathers” deserving of the title.
[ BROTHER ] -TRUST: ____, I’ve come to you before looking for guidance. I see in you a faithful father, husband, son of God, and follower of Jesus Christ our Savior. I ask for your thoughts on what follows.
[ STRUGGLES ] -FAITH: My daily prayer remains, “Thank You for another day; thank You for my wife, my children, my friends, all those I love; thank You for all blessings I’ve received but don’t deserve; please watch over and protect all those I love; Amen.”
It’s my hope you understand, my prayers are most often for those I love, not myself. Heather constantly prays for “me,” and I’m eternally grateful. Praying for myself remains a difficult task.
I’m not sure it’s easy for anyone to understand how I could live a “cup full” existence. If I am succeeding, it is through absolute humility, faith, and the Grace of God. If not for being humbled years ago, I question if my faith would exist today.
I won’t deny I stumble often, yet I try to maintain my life as above, “thankful for what I have, not what I want.”
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- I’m not a saint.
- I admit to feeling my prayers go unheard.
- I have to confess that I question the authenticity of my faith.
- I question my faith because I can’t move a mountain.
- I question my faith because I can’t move a grain of sand.
- I question if my faith is worthy of being “that of a mustard seed.”
- I’m not impervious to pain. I live in multiple states of pain.
- Physically.
- Psychologically.
- Spiritually
- Yet, pain defines me and maintains me, but in ways not expected.
- My faith in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit exists and endures by pain.
[ BURDENS ] -THE EASY YOKE: God has and continues to bless me richly. He does so of His own accord and through prayers. As many Christians or anyone might expect, my prayers are answered “Yes.” they are answered “No.” and remain “Unanswered.” I suspect I’m not alone.
Of my own burdens? I’ve never comprehended how to “lay my burdens at the feet of Jesus.” I have never been able to “Let Go, Let God.”
How do I pray for “myself” and not feel greed or selfishness?
How do I pray for what I feel I “need” or worse “want” now while understanding both God’s plan and timing lacks any resemblence to our own?
Through the eyes of God, do I “deserve” anything? Does my “I need” deserve fulfillment or even acknowlegement? No, they don’t. I’m all too familiar with God’s plans and timing, that the path I want to travel is not the one God (my Father) wishes for his child. A wise pastor once said, “God is not Santa Claus.”
But those prayers, granted or not, will never overshadown the greatest blessing God has bestowed upon me. I’m still here, with my wife, my family, my friends, and all those I love. There are no words with sufficient power to describe it…I can’t even give “it” a name.
[ PRAYERS ] -TO A FATHER FROM A FATHER: So, here is the one thing I pray for, that I “need.” The one thing I desire more than anything else in this world (as we’re not home yet). And it is indeed for “me”. And it elicits feelings of greed, guilt, and selfishness. Yet, it originates from a father’s instincts and the protection he seeks to provide his family…his children.
What I pray for, or more correctly, who I pray for, are all my children (those alive now and yet to come).
[ LOVE ] -SACRAFICE: Is it wrong to ask God to heal my daughter (and all of my children)? In doing so, lay all their pain and suffering upon me? To end a family curse with “me”. Never let another person know the pain of a genetic mutation that’s followed my family for generations.
I watch as my daughter, Lauren, plants her feet in every footstep I left behind. I stand watching powerless as she succumbs to the same mutant genetic processes. I watch as a “father” lacking the ability to protect his family.
For nearly thirty years, I have prayed to be the last person to bear this curse.
At this moment, the answer to my prayers would appear to be “No”. However, incredibly more cruel on the surface, the answer isn’t a simple “No”. Both of my (adult) children have tested positive for the genetic mutation. The mutation rooted at the beginning of my life of health issues. Lauren is symptomatic. Drew, to the best of my knowledge shows no symptoms.
NEVER would I “blame” God for any pain and suffering this world offers us. And I’m well aware of the entity, his minions, and their desire to rip as many souls apart from God as possible in the time they have left. Though I may trip and fall, and do so many times, my faith will never be shaken loose.
God has granted me what I call “unexpectedly growing old”. This blessing has allowed me to witness more milestones and memories than I ever expected. But yes, there is another side to “I’m still here”. It means I’m still on this planet and all the emotions a man can experience are tearing me apart.
The genetic mutation, killing my daughter, their father passed down to his children as their inheritance. It doesn’t matter how many times “anyone” tells me , “You didn’t know.”, the fact remains the same. My daughter suffers because of me. I suspecrt my son lives in fear because of me. I bear this guilt despite my complete logical understanding of the facts. IT DOESN’T MATTER! As their father, I failed to protect them and I am powerless against the enemy. My only hope rests in the hands of my God, my Father.
Lauren is nearing the point where my only chance of survival was a lung transplant. Medically, I’m a statistical anomaly as it relates to my survival with the lung transplant. “Statistical Anomaly” is the scientific name given to what I call the “Grace of God.” As such, I also recognize my continued survival as way outside of my own control. God can call me home anytime He wants…and that’s ok.
Yet, if we are to discuss “statistics”; I could witness Lauren’s demise. One of a parent’s worse nightmares, taughts me endlessly as I stand powerless.
Lauren walks with God, as does her husband, Josh. I find peace in that knowledge. As for Drew and his wife, Kat, I can only sow the seeds I can’t change their hearts, minds, or beliefs. Yet I ask, what father has the capacity and fortitude to watch helplessly as his child suffers, knowing Christ as their Savior or not. None worthy of being called “father” is my answer.
Matthew 18:19-20 (NIV) 19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Therefore, this is the prayer I have asked of my Father. If you are compelled, I would ask you gather in His name with me
My Father,
I won’t pretend I’m strong enough to bear what I ask for, but I do so from the love of a father for his family.
I pray you allow me to carry the genetic curse inside me and my children (alive and to come) to my grave; that none shall know its sting and suffering. Allow me to be the last, the end.
In Christ’s name, I beg You to forgive the sins of my ancestors who brought this curse upon my family.
I pray You forgive me for being so bold to ask I no longer be powerless against my enemies.
I pray You forgive me for asking that I no longer be forced to stand and watch my beloved suffer.
I pray You hear me cry out to You, father to Father.
As our Father, You know the love one has for his children. You see the pain and suffering a father bears. You know the lengths a father will go to protect his family (wife, children, all those he loves ).
Your only begotten Son, was separated from You as a sacrifice for the sins of every soul who would believe. It is far beyond my comprehension the pain You endured as Father to Your Son and my savior, Jesus Christ.
Father, I come before You “of little faith.” I come before You lacking “faith the size of a mustard seed” incapable of “moving mountains.”
Lord, all I have is FAITH, BELIEF, and TRUTH. You are my Maker. Jesus Christ, Your only begotten Son was nailed to a cross as a sacrifice for my sins. He died for the sins of every soul alive, dead, or to be who will have faith and believe.
Lord, I pray you would remove the curse festering inside all my family and children. Allow me to carry this curse alone unto its death; that it no longer exist and be powerless; and at Your call to Resurrection it shall only know death.
I know the Truth, You need only say the word and this would be done.
I know my life, my body, and my soul are not worth the water inside me.
I am no more special than another man or father. Indeed, if I am like any, I am as many other fathers who have come before You praying for power to protect those they love; just as I come before You now.
Father, I am weak and broken inside, this You already know. Only through You shall I have the strength to overcome this enemy.
Lord, throughout my life, You have been the Father keeping watch over me. You have straightened the curves in the path when I’ve gone astray. You have blessed me beyond my understanding and imagination. This I know as Truth;
I shall remain forever grateful and faithful.
May my love as a father to his children be as Your love as our Father; for Your Son; for Your children.
May my life and faith be of sufficient value for that of my family and children.
Lord, I pray You hear my voice and find me worthy of your Grace.
Lord, my faith is with You, always. Your will shall always be done. This I know as Truth. Your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. My life, my heart, and my soul belong to You. Your will be done.
Amen.
