You know, I really don’t like writing about all the negative aspects of my life…but the thoughts loom large over me daily. I continue to learn and utilize skills to combat the thoughts…as I will as long as I’m here on Earth. You’ve seen the pill dispensers stocked with my cocktail of daily medications (minus the items that don’t fit in there).
The number of doctors telling me “you’re a mess” or “you’re an extremely complicated case” seems to increase on a daily basis.
When I began writing this post, I had finished the first session with my new therapist. Yes, I’m taking several medications to combat the “major depressive disorder”, “PTSD”, “anxiety” and the host of other psychological issues I endure…but these medications are only part of what I and many others require to combat the ugly monsters in our head. One-on-one conversations with a therapist who has no pre-conceived bias or connection to my family and/or friends is the goal.
Hopefully I’m wrong, but given all the data I have…all the research (…”always” peer-reviewed studies and such)…my physical condition…my mental state…all tell me I’ve entered a new stage. This new stage in life; I’ve prayed and hoped it would “never” become reality.
My goals now focus on “damage control”. Essentially…what can I, my physicians, and unimaginable chemical cocktails do to stop the current degradation…or at best…slow it down. Yes. I would gladly accept the “miracle” returning my body to the functional level I was blessed to have enjoyed for fifteen years of my life. Even with all the bumps in the road, I am forced to admit the abundant “time” I’ve enjoyed has been a truly magnificent blessing. A bless that so many people never had the pleasure of experiencing.
Therefore, it behoves me to focus on the positive aspects of the life I still have and set aside the thoughts that strive to strip me of joy.